The Swing Set

As a child we all remember the swing set - the thing that brought us so much joy. It was my peace and you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t the queen of the swing set. If you could do nothing else you could get on a swing and go. Little girls always wanted the cute guys to push her. If he pushed her, then that meant that they go together. Back and forward, back and forward. I bet, I can jump further than you. The swing set was such a wonderful childhood memory. It was my peace. It hyped me up and had me thinking I could fly.

Those memories were so powerful in my mind that one lonely night I turned to my memories of the swing set for comfort. It was pouring down raining but, that was okay because I love the rain. It didn’t matter that I was shoeless and my husband had just thrown me out my house. It didn’t matter that I was crying so hard that my tears were blending into the rain. All that mattered was that I was heading to the swing set and I was going to swing higher than ever before.

As I sat there on the swing, all I could see was visions of me as a little girl. My Mickey Mouse ponytails, my Wonder Woman Underoos, and such a peaceful smile. Remembering how I use to think that I can do anything that a boy could do. The good ole days. My visions and thoughts quickly flashed to my reality. Ms. Sunshine was no longer shining. The bruises on my body and the inside pain from someone who claimed to love me so much was taking over. I tried to swing but I couldn’t make myself go high. As the rain poured down, I really tried. Swing set you have to save me, you use to bring me so much joy, don’t fail me now, I really need you. The rain never stopped but I did; I just couldn’t get the flow to make the swing go.

I reached into my pocket so that I could talk to my best friend at the time, 800mg Motrin. Those things worked wonders, never left my side, year after year, day by day, at least 6 a day. It just so happen that as I was being thrown out, I didn’t think to grab shoes but I grabbed that fresh new beautiful bottle of my best friend, never left home without it. The first 4 was just to relieve the headache, the next couple was just because I could. Why couldn’t the swing set just work? What a perfect way to go out, doing one of my favorite childhood things in the pouring rain. Did y’all know that rain was my peace? I was going out in peace. All I had to do was swallow about 10 more, this was gonna be easy.

And then it hit me, some of y’all know him as Timmy, I call him my rock and lifesaver, his yellow, Winnie the Pooh Bear looking self flashed into my head. He had just played at this playground the day before and I laughed at him cause every time he got on the slide he would wipe the dirt at the end cause he couldn’t stand dirt. Yes, my child was anal even when he was little. For some reasons he didn’t like the swings though. I wonder if it was because he knew that the swings would be the place where his Mom would choose to spend her last moment on earth.

In my vision he just kept smiling and laughing! Wow, he rarely smiles now, if only he knew how powerful his smile and laughter is to me, even to this day. How could I be so selfish and leave the person who ended up being the most significant person in my life ever just because I didn’t love me and understand that God was only going to give me what I could take. I sometimes wonder if he even knows how his love for me has brought me through so much and he is the reason why I smile today. I wonder if he knows that he’s the reason why I finally got bold enough to leave his Dad. I wonder if he knows that I’m not in jail today for putting a gun to his Dad’s head because I truly did have it planned out. I wonder if he knows how I have my own business because he was the one that told me that I should go for it. I wonder if he knows that I love tigers so much because his words of encouragement to me when I didn’t think I was worthy let me know that I was a true tiger. I wonder if he remembers when I was so sick for weeks and nobody could figure out what was wrong that he was the only one who could force me to eat and take my medicine because I didn’t want to and he stood his ground and took over and made me. I wonder if he even knows that he’s not just my son but my WHY. I wonder if he knows.

Needless to say, my son saved me that night and he didn’t even know; I still don’t think he knows - I haven’t been on a swing set since.

The amazing thing about how and why I wrote this is because I was talking to someone who use to be significant to me and he said ~This is cool, I l feel like a kid in a candy store, come swing with me~ and we had a whole conversation about being on swings. Little did he know that something that I use to love so much and that brought me so much peace had turned into a thing that only brought back memories of the day that I wanted to take my life - he had no clue!

Suicide is no joke and it’s closer to us than we think. Make sure you reach out to the people you love and make sure they are alright. If you ever feel like you're ready to end your life, please reach out for help.

For help, call 800-273-8255 or visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at

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